In case you didn't feel like showing up...to the Best of the Dark Show!

The Best of the Dark Show was...well...the best. I’m still a bit floored by how well it went in spite of my condition. You see, I woke on Wednesday morning feeling terribly sick. Deciding to save my energy for the show instead of another day at the video dub house, I called in sick. I went back to sleep, only to reawake at 6pm. Unshowered, unfed, feverish and weak, I packed my bag and caught the V train down to the village.

What was easily the largest audience in the history of the show began filling the room at 8:30pm.By 9pm, when Senor Black Box began the Dark Show theme song, the room was full. Standing room only. Fire hazard. Awesome. I blasted through the opener and called Alice Schaffer the Darklord in Corning, IA. She read the night’s roster of nine acts to the hungry crowd. Yes...there were nine acts instead of the advertised eight. Magician Eric Walton made a last minute cancellation to accept a paying corporate gig. I understood. An opportunity to make a buck in this biz called show shouldn’t often be denied...at least not in these younger and more struggling years.

Every act slayed!

Curtis Eller picked that goddamn banjo something fierce! He wandered, he howled, he yodelled, he contorted and he started the evening’s trend of “leave ‘em wanting more.” Since the acts were given ten minute sets apiece, it felt like slamming the brakes on the audience at the end of each performer’s time. Curtis killed, and the people hungered for more.

Adira Amram exploded into the room, booty-dancing to a Prince song. She then proceeded to break hearts with her sometimes soulful, sometimes bizarre love songs accompanied by herself on a keyboard. I saw eyes light up around the room. Many looked to belong to freshly baptised Adira fans. Others however, looked to belong to those who have designs on pitching collaborations with Ms Amram. Adria possesses talents that are surely the envy of many of her variety show bill-sharers.

Soce the Elemental Wizard is a treasure to behold. Having already suspected that he may be the best rapper I’ve ever met, I solidly confirmed that claim in watching his ten minute set. “Work/Play” followed by a rap over a drumless orchestral loop followed by several minutes of dazzling freestyle. When Soce throws on his wizard’s cap and proclaims “yeah!” you can be sure that magic is about to descend upon the room. Hot damn.

Teen Tawny spent hours preparing his makeup and costume, and the results were spectacular. In puffy-painted white platform boots, torn-apart/laced-together jeans, a shirtless collar with tie, dramatic eye makeup and a two-feet tall dual mohawk, Tawny riffed on his showbiz experiences and aspirations. He only paused from his monolgue long enough to deliver his hit songs “Blue Leotard” and “Pop Machine.” The audience ate a big bowl of Tawny with jewel-encrusted spoons.

The Lonesome Doves tore into the Apocalypse gathering like a pair of side-winding tornadoes. Joey Royale and Freekout Jones then proceeded to rain fire upon the survivors with wicked country stompers like “We Gonna Ride.” These boys are going places, and when it happens, you can say that STD said it first. These handsome fellers are sweet to the core offstage and the devil(s) themselves onstage. A class act.

Carla Rhodes dished up a Cliffs’ Notes version of her act. She gave us five minutes of her standup followed by five minutes with her Keith Richards puppet for a total of ten minutes of comedy joy. Carla is an absolute delight. Unfortunately, THIS Dark Show featured a terribly drunk and chatty heckler who made her appearance first known during Carla’s set. Ms Rhodes handled her nicely, though. Not too mean, not too friendly. Carla’s is a professional...an inspiration to hacks comme moi.

Joshua Grosvent made history when he began a set of comedy with a ripping guitar solo, a first in the history of entertainment! Joshua’s acoustic guitar was broken by Jet Blue baggage handlers during recent travels, leaving the young musical comic no choice but to go electric for the Dark Show. He ruled though, as he is wont to do. It was rather unfortunate that the audience became distracted and chatty during Mr Grosvent’s set, though it was surely no fault of his. He tore through his hits “NYU Girls” and “Open mic Night” before singing his trademark closer “Senior Citizen Lovin’” to the aforementioned front row heckler. Loves to end big, that fella.

Jen Dziura had a surprise up her sleeve for the Best of the Dark Show. She began her set with the intro portion from her S & M poetry piece “Seven Nights.” However, when the body of the poem began, Ms Dziura stopped short. She then donned a black blazer and a pair of nerdy, rectangular, black-framed spectacles and RE-introduced herself as “Dziura the Dank Mistress.” She cued her CD, and the familiar opening music of “Attack of the Clonefucker” began. I’ve been writing parody songs for YEARS, and yes, Ms Dziura, I DO love Weird Al, but this was the first time I’ve ever heard of a parody of one of MY songs. Jen rewrote my ENTIRE “Clonefucker” song with new lyrics about an attack of a MIME-fucker! She read them as quickly as I rap them, and left in just enough of the original material that a few audience members actually tried to sing along. It was hilarious, and I was terribly flattered.

Schaffer the Darklord is my name, and apparently, headlining my own variety shows is my game. I did my two favorite STD songs, “My Dinner with Jello” and “the Rappist.” At this time, the audience members in attendance for the entire show cast their ballots for Best in Dark Show. Molly Crabapple, the Dark Show’s be-cleavaged merch girl, tallied the votes and handed me the envelope. Many cried foul for they had not yet cast when the envelope was in my hand. I broke out “Cat People” to give Ms Crabapple more time to collect and re-tally the votes.

And the winner was...

Teen Tawny. The young pop machine seemed shocked by his win and yet still managed to deliver a very gracious acceptance speech. He was presented with a trophy called “The Darklordie” (because I obviously couldn’t call it a “Darkie” now could I?) which was actually one of the Fran Berg STD figurines that featured my old costume. He received a very nice round of applause.

I closed with “My Last Song” as I always do. I packed my bags, said my goodnights to the many fine acts and fans that came out for this event, and caught a cab back to Astoria with S, Pete, Amy and Mr Eller. I practically collapsed the second I walked in the door. The show had managed to temporarily distract me from my sickness, although it reappeared with new vigor as soon as I saw the bed. That’s why I do the show...to distract me from how sick I am.

The next Dark Show will happen Wed. April 6th. See you at the Apocalypse.

-STD